A year

Today is a year since my life changed forever.

I was laid off after 14 years.

Im happier now, but it did take a while to a) find a job b) get back into a groove C) and realize i would have never left if not pushed.

So i go to work everyday, knwing that idont have to deal with office politics, and more often than not, one of the guys brings in some Brooklyn bagels.. nothing better than that.

I laugh most of the day away, with minimal stress.

Its not my dream job, but right now my focus is on my daughter and Im happy that they allow my family to come first.

Who knows if this was the way it was meant to be. I miss the city greatly! I miss the people, the food and even the coffee, I even miss my friends who i worked with. Now we are just friends, not also coworkers. I try to keep in touch as much i can, and things have not changed for the better at the old job. So all in all, i say it was good thing :)

Happy one year laid-off anniversary to me!

To Those I Love

Here is the poem we put on the back of my fathers prayer card. It touches me so much. 

When I first read it, at the funeral parlor, the same day of his death, it made me SOB. It still makes me cry but for different reasons. I feel as if he is actually saying these words to me. Thats who he was to me. The one who helped me see a different way to everything. He would use words in the right sense to calm me down and make me think. I loved that safety I felt when he was around and miss it so much now in this time of such heartache. So everyday, when I get sad and I wish he were here to help me, I read this poem and somehow, just a tinsy bit, it helps me feel better. 

"To Those I Love"

When I am gone, release me, let me go.

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears 

Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love, you can only guess 

How much you gave to me in happiness 

I thank you for the love you each have shown 

But now it's time I travelled on alone.

So grieve a while for me if grieve you must 

Then let your grief be comforted by trust 

It's only for a while that we must part 

So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away,  for life goes on 

So if you need me, call me and I will come 

Though you can't see me or touch me I'll be near 

All of my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone 

I'll greet you with a smile and say

"Welcome Home"

Id like to share a favorite photo of mine, of my two most favorite men. Fishing in Montauk, Circa 2003

Not one more minute

I have one poem for you that I ran across while doing my thank yous and wanted to share it with you.

Love all whom you hold dear
Precious is the time you share
Do not wait for tomorrow
For tomorrow may not be...

Daddy...

Daddy, I will miss you so much. You were the most amazing man I have ever known! No man will ever compare to you. The things you did, the people you met, the stories you told were just incredible.

You loved life. You loved to cook, and garden and fish. You loved to help people and loved being around people. You went through so many difficult things in your life its amazing you were still such an optimistic man. I know you were proud of me, and I was, am so proud that you are my father. 

You were so strong, and kind and funny and such a scutch. You were a perfect combination of everything. I could always count on you to know exactly the right thing to say to me to help through anything and make me safe and loved. I dont know how i will ever let you go.

Every time i see your flowers we planted together, or my first car that you helped me pick out. Or even pass a silly diner, i will probably cry for you. 

You loved Lily more than life itself, and im so happy that we had this time together. We all knew we were on borrowed time.  I hope that now you are safe and happy and with Skip and your dad.  

I dont know what will happen with mom, she is completely lost.  I wish i could have just one more safe big hug from you. I love you SO much and this is going to be so hard to overcome!

I love you Daddy!

I found it!

OK ok so i havent been the best blogger around, i ve been slacking.. but for good reasons.

First there was finishing up painting the dining room, then there was the purging of the basement junk, then there was my daughters 2nd birthday, then there was an interview and some return phone calls here and there, then there was zumba class every thursday and then i started my new job, then my husbands grandmother passed away. 

Its been an eventful couple of weeks. Which is like i always say, my life, if it were a book, would be called, Never a dull moment.

Anyways, the big news is that I got a job! Thats right! Im very proud of myself of finding a job in this terrible economy where unemployment rate is now up to 8.3% ( i think that is what i read today). The new job is not very glamorous, but im making the same money i was before, with only a 20 min commute (before i was commuting over an hour every day to and from work). The people are super cool. I have found that one place that still exists that doesnt micro-manage. Music is on all day, we are laughing and working, and talking all day. Its an interesting business and already im learning so much. Its nice to be learning again. So now i get more time with Lily, and to me that is everything right now. I get this huge knot in my stomach when im not there for her. When i come home she hugs me for 5 mins saying mommy, missed you, love you.

Its heartbreaking.

So in retrospect, am i happy that i was laid off? No. Still no, that is an awful way to make a change. I am happy that i do have something better now for me and my family. (Did i forget to mention, it doesnt matter what the f i wear to work? lol thats a great plus) Im happy that i dont have to deal with the retards i used to call bosses anymore. (Its still amazing how some people do get into positions of power when they know nothing).

OK. So, sorry that i was away for a while. Ill try to post more, now that im back in the big world :)

Big Things

Somewhere deep inside me, I know that im destined for big things. Maybe no Broadway, or the top of the billboards, but something that fits me, my style and personality. Right now, in the midst of finding a new job, or a job at all..lol, im trying to find that big thing. Something that will make me happy. A friendly, hard working, company that rocks the socks off of people. I want something in my life to be proud of. Im proud of my husband and my daughter, but i want to be proud professionally.

As i go to these lousy interviews, just the thought of taking the jobs just to pay the bills makes me depressed. They are no where near what i expect or want for myself. It just seems nothing is right. Somewhere out there, there has to be something that FITS, and I have to believe that.

Ahhhhh ( sigh)

Two of the things i hate are now OVER. 

Buying gifts, and hosting a party. :)

Both of which I had to do this Holiday season.

The gifts were pretty easy this year. No one really wanted anything, and no one really had any money to spend on frivolous gifts that people wont use. So it all worked out.

Then after xmas, i decided i didnt want to stay home and sleep during the ball drop like i did last year. I feel it reflects on the coming year, and well we all know i have had a rough year. So, my husband came up with the plan to invite his immediate family over, 4 couples plus on 3 year old. I had to clean all week, cook the day of, do all the shopping for the day, pick out drinks to serve my guests and all that shit. I hate it. Im not a party-hoster, i am the best party-guest ever. Whatever. With all my hardwork the party was a hit. Lily never woke up from us screaming, happy new year and i closed 2008 with a big F-U, For now. 

Im sure one day ill look back and say this was a great year cause it got me out of a stinky job that made me miserable. So only time will tell.

Happy new year to you guys and to yours! Lets make 2009 our best ever!